Wednesday, July 2, 2014

What July 4 Means to this Canadian

July 4, 2013.

I found my resolve. Strength. Independence. That my ex could no longer trample upon.
I write this not to “get things off my chest” but to hopefully inspire someone that feels is in a lost or hopeless relationship, they can do it. It may take time, planning, support from friends & family but it can be done. If you are in an abusive relationship (everything from control issues, cheaters to financial, emotional, verbal & physical abuse and all points in between) you can get out. You should get out. You owe it to yourself, your friends & family. If you have children, you definitely owe it to them. This applies to both men and women.

I had taken a new position with better pay and was really happy about that. All the ex could say was “Well, that’s great but it’s not nearly enough money. I need you to be making $XX,XXXX.” Suffice to say I won’t disclose the amount but is a very healthy salary.
Huh. I wasn’t making enough money for HIM?!? What’s wrong with him getting a better paying job? Why does it have to be me doing it all? I did all the errands; always drove us everywhere; paid for everything; had all of the “responsibilities” in my name; did the laundry; took care of the dogs; did all the housework & large majority of the cooking. Yet I wasn’t doing enough. Providing enough. Wow.

Almost two years previous to that I had had enough of the attitude and six months after that (sadly, during Christmas holidays 2011) melted down and told him I wanted a divorce. I did not plan on him becoming violent and threatening me. So, I stayed. Biding my time. For me, it was the safest thing to do. I already had my own bank account but started having my pay go into that one as opposed to the joint one. Why? Because my pay was being spent on eBay before the money came in. Often there wasn’t enough to buy food & pay bills. It became one or the other. You can imagine what happened when the discovery was made that I’d only transfer in the required amount for mortgage, taxes, etc. and pay the rest from my account.

Did I mention I was not allowed to touch his money?

Yeah. Nice huh? He used his money for beer. Going for lunch every day and drinks after. Smokes. Generally having a good time kinda stuff.  Had been yelled at a few times about “not touching his money”. That’s love right there folks. I may sound a bit bitter but I’m more thankful for it. It’s taught me to be wary of people so hopefully I won’t get screwed again. I do not want my heart broken again. I’m sure it will happen but I’ll be far better prepared for it.

So, after that last “you need to make me more money” childish outburst, I’d had it. Done. No more. Start making exit plan.

Believe it or not I completely forgot my anniversary this year. Weeks had passed before I realised it. Oops.

I am very thankful I have a few close friends and a very knowing and supportive family. Some had seen how things deteriorated over the years and were thankful when I said I was out. Finally. I waited and planned and got out. Safely. Yes there were things I forgot. I did manage to retrieve them safely. He changed the locks as soon as I left, of course and my BFF busted him on Plenty of Fish the day after I moved out (all the while begging me to come back and fix things). All the lies, secrets, games & overall BS of over 12 years together has conditioned me. I am simply not able to tolerate that any longer. It all hurt but I’m stronger for it. I’m also thankful that this is an anniversary I will remember.


Independence Day has a marvelous ring to it. One I will quietly celebrate each year for the rest of my life. As a Canadian.

Peace & Love (and I sincerely mean this)