Monday, February 17, 2014

I’m not drunk..

Nor am I heavily medicated. I just have a problem standing. Walking. Moving. It’s a fairly simple explanation, really. It has everything to do with a chronic spinal injury. If you want to get really technical, it’s a bunch of degenerative spinal disabilities.

I have a picture to go with it too. It’s not pretty. It shows the last time – almost one year ago now – of the needle right next to my vertebrae and spinal cord at L4/L5. What’s the issue? Well, let’s see. It’s degenerative disc disease, degenerative osteoarthritis of the vertebrae in the lumbar region of my spine, spondylosis, scoliosis, crushed nerve bundles in said region. Those do an awful lot. It also shows black portions of the vertebrae. That’s where the bone has actually died and will eventually break off. It does not regenerate.

We take for granted being able to walk down the street and not trip over our own feet. I do that a lot. I get a ton of “It’s 8 AM and why is that woman drunk?” looks. But I’m not. Some days I wish I were but self-medicating isn’t the answer. Most of the time. I do take prescriptions to help me keep moving without grunting like a cave-woman. It just can’t be helped sometimes. When you’re broken in places no one can see, you tend to get a bunch of funny looks.

I can be standing there all nice and normal and go to shift my weight and all of a sudden, I’m struggling to stay upright and not fall over. It used to be embarrassing. Now I just roll with it. No pun intended. I right myself and just keep going. Or whatever I was trying to do in the first place. If I’m with people, we generally just laugh it off. From the outside I can only imagine what it looks like.

Then there’s other times I make disparaging remarks about myself and I’m sure it offends people within earshot that have no clue what’s going on. Like what, you may ask? Things such as “I always get the best parking spots”. It’s true! With a handicap placard, you do get the best spots. I tend to use that only when I’ve been having an inordinate number of muscle spasms in my legs – particularly when it’s really cold out. Or if I know I’ll be doing a lot of standing or sitting. I’ll really cramp up and look like I should be 70 or 80 something. Which leads to more off-balance moving antics.

If I’m walking in unfamiliar territory, I’ll literally watch where I’m going. It’s out of pure necessity. If I don’t see the big dip in the sidewalk/road/ground I’m about to step into, it could be bad. The worst is a nasty fall involving broken bones. At best, bruised ego and more explaining, “No, really, I haven’t been drinking.” “Honest, I’m not on anything.” Sure. Sure. I’ve missed my fair share of chairs/seats too. I’ve learned to look when I sit down.

One quirk (believe me, I have several) I have is I do not like socks. I think I’ve grown into this one but could have been present when I was younger. I’m a summer baby and I think that’s where it stems from. So, when I have the option to not wear them, I take it. If I’m at home or a friends place, and the weather permits, I kick my shoes off at the door and pad around barefoot. But then comes some funny stuff my body likes to do with me. Remember the damaged nerves? I can step on/in something and not be able to tell if it’s hot, cold, wet or WTH it is. I have to stop and look at my feet. Feel it with my hands just to make sure. More strange looks. From myself even. Like I just smelled something really, off.

I can step on something and not be able to tell exactly what it is. Again, look. Many times, there’s really nothing there. Sometimes I’ll get something embedded in my foot and wonder how on earth that happened. Pull offending object out and clean it up. I have a large bottle of tea tree oil that is used regularly. I can get scratches and bruises on my legs I have no recollection of doing. I’m not sure if I still sleep walk or not. Maybe that’s how it happens. Maybe I’m still just a klutz. That is a definite option. Likely the best and most logical explanation. Sometimes things go on that defy logic. That’s just he way it goes.

When you think about it, there’s a ton of stuff that the nerve bundles control from the waist, down. Things that affect bodily functions. You know, like going pee and knowing when you’re “done”. Yes, embarrassingly, I’ve peed on my hand more that a few times. I’ve learned to just wait patiently and listen. I think I’m done, probably not. Wait a little longer. They also control things that many women take for granted. Like having to do with “adult time” and you know … the Big O. Challenging but not impossible. Patience is a virtue. It’s not just all in a woman’s head. There’s only so much her brain can do to keep her going. Then the physical part has to kick in and finish the job as it were. One can only hope.

Being really open about stuff like this with a partner or significant other can be difficult but if you’re going to be having sex with someone, that level of trust should be there to begin with as well as communication. If they have to ask if you, you know – it’s up to you to let them know what’s what and maybe just how much effort or time is required to get you to your happy place. Drinking can complicate this, believe it or not. Makes things more difficult.

Time is not always your friend but can be a great coach. Because over time you gain the experience you need to be able to deal with this stuff. You can make light of it. That’s okay. You’re human. There’s downs and ups. Hopefully more ups that downs. But if you are down, you have your friends there to laugh at you and help you up. Maybe even hand you a drink to ease the pain. And to all my friends that have witnessed this and been there to pull me back to an upright position, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You're priceless. 


Peace & Love

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