Sex & the “D” Word

As many know, over 12 years ago now I broke my back twice and in the same place both times. A paltry three months apart. Shitty. Yes. Life altering. Absolutely. World ending? Not a chance. If anything could have pushed me over the edge to stare the monster called suicide in the face again, it would have been these and a couple more related events.

Let me see. In September 2001, I broke it the first time out hiking. It was in a gorgeous place and did it at the top of the waterfall I was going to photograph from the top down. Cool right? I still got up after and got the shot. I’ll post those another time.

You read that right. I got up after and got the shot. Oh I hurt badly when it happened. I’ve had broken & cracked bones before. Ankle. Collar bone. Shoulder blade. Various bones in hands & feet, ribs (front & back) left cheekbone, right orbital socket. 16+ concussions. Torn the ligaments & tendons in my right knee I don’t know how many times now. Pain is not exactly my friend but it seems to be a constant companion in my life. I’ve learned to accept its’ presence. Did I mention I still had a 3+ hour drive to get back home at the end of my trip two days later? I did. And dog in tow too. Brittney seemed to know I was in bigger trouble than I realised because she was so good.

We’ll step forward two years (after breaking & cracking it in same place L2-L5 a second time, three months later) when I tried to get out of bed one morning and just about couldn’t. I tried to stand and the pain was excruciating. Worse than when it broke previously. What the effing hell is this? What happened? Did I do some sleep something-or-other in the night and hurt myself? Must have. I have no other explanation for it.

So, in unimaginable pain, I still get up and go to work. I'm stubborn that way. Finally get through to my doctors office and book an appointment to get in three or four days later. After two or three visits and not one of them checking me out physically and only giving me scripts for T3’s, I ask her about it. The answer I got was “It’s likely a chronic back problem and you’ll just have to live with it.” Really?!? You’re a medical doctor and that’s the best you’ve got? Needless to say, I found a new one and he was far more helpful in the first two minutes than in the previous several months of seeing my former doc. WTH? Why do we as patients think this is acceptable. It isn’t. I’m also suffering from depression at this point (as if other, previous events in my life weren't enough). I know - shocking, right?

So new doc’s assessment was a ruptured disc at L5/S1. Xrays and MRI confirmed it. My sciatic nerves were not just compressed but being severed as it was a complete failure of the disc. Then the disc between L4 & L5 failed. Gone. By this point I’m in six years and getting regular cortisone injections at the facet joints at L5 & S1. All was well for the first five or six sessions (every six months) then I started noticing a deteriorating pattern: I’d get ill after each session and it was worse than the time before. By the ninth round and last time I went, I’d contracted/developed pneumonia. Assessed as likely viral, antibiotics wouldn’t help. Great - because I’m allergic to almost all of them out there. I can’t afford to get sick as the treatment to make me better could kill me.

So I had to stop taking those. Meanwhile, the spasms that I had in my lower back and glutes were tearing me apart. I never imagined in my wildest nightmares I’d ever be in a position like this. I’d get home at the end of the day, exhausted. My husband was somewhat supportive but at the crux, refused to believe I had any kind of “disability”. My doctors have signed papers I submit to the feds saying otherwise. I’ve tried nerve-blocker meds, anti-depressants (I had an allergic reaction to one and the other is about $150/mo alone) and other things to try and alleviate the daily, soul-sucking pain. Then my male doctor wound up getting suspended and I had to find another one. Awesome. So after a few months, I find one.

A simply ferocious woman. African. Gorgeous. Wonderful & supportive. Willing to work with me and make suggestions for me, switch medications up and try stuff I ask about. Finally hone in on one that has made the most massive difference in my life yet: baclofen. It’s a muscle relaxant. Quad- & paraplegics use it (often in liquid form supplied by pump) to prevent muscle spasms. If you have a muscle like your quad (in your thigh) or calf spasm and you can’t stop it, you run the risk of developing blood clots. It probably goes without saying that organs like the heart, lungs & brain do not do well with blood clots.

By this time I was taking a significantly more active role in my health and lifestyle. Avoid fast food (except Subway – I’ll go for Subway over a lot of stuff), keep moving, cook at home way more often. I went from about 185 lbs to about 145 lbs in three months. I also cut out the cider/wine I used to have each day. That was over two years ago at the writing of this and I've dropped to a healthy 135/140 lbs and been maintaining.

I’ve spoken openly about the “D” word – disability. One thing that I’m sure you’ve noticed is the clear absence of the bit about sex. It’s in the title. Why am I not talking about it? Well here goes.

During all this time, my marriage was deteriorating. No surprise. Chronic/degenerative injuries and pain does that to relationships. When you’re exhausted all the time and hurting so badly you’re in a constant fog, it kinda kills the proverbial mood. Add a spouse that is drinking heavily and it’s a devastating combination.

Well that sucks. No sex for me. Too bad. I actually used to like it. And it’s good for you too. Helps to lower pain levels, boosts the immune system, increases happiness and adds balance to ones life – among other benefits. Long about the time I start making massive health changes for the betterment of me, I decide to throw the baby out with the bath water and ask for a divorce. Not part of the solution, part of the problem - right? As you can imagine, it didn’t go well. So I had to bide my time for a couple years before I can leave.

I’m sure you’re thinking, “there seem to be some details missing here” and you’re right. But it’s not between you and I. It’s between myself & my ex. A few people close in my life know details and that’s more than need to know.

So back to me and sex. It helps make you happy, healthy & balanced so when the new meds are actually making a difference in my life and I’m feeling more alive that I have in years, you can image some of the things going through my mind. Ok. Maybe you can’t - that’s just fine. You have your thoughts and I have mine. To each his/her own. 

At the time of this writing I have a man in my life that fires my engine and has no qualms about my physical situation. He knows I’ll say something if I hurt. I’ve learned to adapt all the other ways I have to move and do things so why not sex. Well, that too. And it works. It’s not what nor where I imagined I’d be in my life 12 or more years ago, but it is my life. I’m not swinging from chandeliers or anything like that but it puts a smile on my face everyone once in a while and keeps me feeling balanced and calm. He may believe he's in charge but we both know I'm the one that has to "control" things, as it were.

For someone with a chronic injury (spinal or otherwise) being made to feel a bit sexy or downright sexually beautiful is something really special. If you’re reading this and have anything like this going on in your life, talk to your doctor. Make sure that it is right for your physical and mental health and if you get the thumbs up, find someone that curls your toes – so to speak. You’ll have to be patient. You think finding a “date” being a “normal” person is tough. Try it with a disability. It can be done. But be open about what’s happening in your life. You don’t want to spring something major on someone. That’ll make them turn tail and run away faster than you can imagine. You don’t have to get into every detail. But like in my case, I’ve been open about my state of being and the nerve & muscle damage I have. Some things I just can’t do. Probably for most regular folks they can’t do them either just due to the sheer gymnastic talents required. But it’d be fun to try… I’m just sayin’.

And for those out there reading this that are whole & wonderful, just because someone has a disability, doesn’t mean you should overlook them. You never know. They could just blow your mind. And change your life for the better.

Peace & Love